Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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