I just made out with a guy for $7.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
