Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
