Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
