It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
