Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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