Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
