Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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