I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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