if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
