I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
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There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
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Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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