Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
