It was confusing and full of hummus
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
