Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
