when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize