just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
