He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
