when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
