sarcasm needs its own font
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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