I checked into jail on foursquare
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
