My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
