Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
