Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
