My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
