I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
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