Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
