my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
