i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
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You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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