I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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