I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
She needs sedatives and a leash
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
