So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
