Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
