On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
this hospital has no fireball
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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