Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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