I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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