fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Randomize
