I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
