chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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