I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
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btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
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Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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