My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I need to stop coming to work sober
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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