If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
