He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
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