Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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