Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
