How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
A+ Viking dick
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
