This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
