i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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