so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
