dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Come share oat with me in your robe
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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