thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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