Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
