Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
