I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
