VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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