I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
