i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
